Ebola cured!

Did you read the news this morning?

Rather than focus on what you did read, let’s consider what you didn’t read.

No mention at all of the ebola virus. The outbreak has stopped in its tracks. And there’s only one explanation: The Republican Party knockedĀ it out cold!

Think about it. When the Democrats were in charge of the Senate, we didn’t have the foresight to shut down all air, land and sea traffic into the sacred, sovereign space of the United States of America in order to deal with, what everyone knew, was going to be a global pandemic. It was just a matter of time before anyone who had seasonal allergies in Missouri was going to bleed out their eyeballs and piss out their bellybuttons as the dreaded fever took its toll. And of course, it had to be the Democratic-Socialist-in-Chief’s fault. He probably brought it back himself from his weekend lake house in Kenya, right next door to the hot zone. (You might point out that Kenya is only a thousand miles closer to Liberia than America is, but then you’d be arguing geography with Americans.) He probably did it on purpose, just to infect people affiliated with tax-free groups with the word Patriot in their titles.

But in one night, the GOP captured a majority of the Senate. We still don’t know how big a majority it’ll be — somewhere between 53 and 57 seats out of a hundred. They just proved that having a majority doesn’t matter in that chamber unless you have at least 60 seats, but still. (They also captured a handful of governorships and a modest number of House seats, but that’s not the headline the Senate takeover is.)

It can honestly be said now that not one single person on American soil has died or even contracted ebola since Mitch McConnell got his coveted gavel. Nor are they ever again likely to. Thank you, thank you, Senator Mitch! You saved every American from a a painful death at the hand of an intractable hemorrhagic plague!

It’s as if the ebola virus watched Fox News Tuesday night, thenĀ skulked back across the Mexican border where it came from Wednesday morning.

That’ll show those libtards. We don’t need their Obamacare or their preventive medicine or their internationally renowned contagion quarantine protocols. We don’t need to kill any more babies for their stem cells. We don’t need to do all that research into pathogenesis, which is just a step away from acknowledging evolution — the Satan-constructed theory that Jesus Christ’s great-grandma was a capuchin monkey.

We cured ebola with just God, Guns ‘n’ Glory. America … fuck yeah!

Can I get an Amen?

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