Ready, aim …

I figured out the secret to Weird Al‘s longevity: Wake up in the morning to the alarm-clock radio and make fun of whatever recording artist had the temerity to interrupt your sleep.

Sorry, Alicia Keys. You just happened to be on the air in New York at 6:50 this morning.

The song was “Girl on Fire”. It’s really a great piece of musical craft. It speaks to Alicia Augello Cook Dean’s experience of childbirth specifically and to women’s empowerment in general. Admittedly, it doesn’t speak to me the way that “Empire State of Mind” (either version) did, but it’s still a great vocal performance. Here it is in the form she intended. The verses are fraught with meaning, but let’s be honest: I don’t remember them and neither do you. What you remember about the song is the refrain:

This girl is on fire

This girl is on fire

She’s walking on fire

This girl is on fire

If she’d just stop, drop and roll, it would be a much shorter song. Still, Alicia Keys sells it as best a masterful vocalist can. But when the song gets stuck in your head before 7 a.m. and you’re a satirist, the mind boggles. Has anyone done a proper parody of this song yet? If not, I understand the reason: Where do you even start? The couplets came at me so fast that I couldn’t even close my eyes after hitting the snooze button.

This girl is on fire

This girl is on fire

Did she forget the lint in the dryer?

Or get splashed with grease from the fryer?

But that was supplanted by:

This girl is on fire

Stand too close you’ll perspire

She ate a gallon of Breyer

Now she smells like a burning tire

But before that was even all the way through my prefrontal lobe, other synapses were hatching:

This girl is on fire

This girl is on fire

Just like Richard Pryor

Now she’s joined the Heavenly Choir

Which leads me to the ultimate question, one that invites audience participation:

This girl is on fire

This girl is on fire

Do you want to give this a try or

Is this a gag to retire?

Feel free to add your own take in the Comments section.

I’ll have more news on Age of Certainty, Mighty Mighty and convention appearances soon.